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bloggy blog
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2009.03.25 12.29
we all fell
Everything is in place..(somewhat)
just me and my eldest are in limbo
everyone is positioned to jump when the ruling comes
now it's just the waiting.
The multiple plans are still in effect
I'm also waiting for the punches to the head and heart to stop throbbing.
To be honest, I guess i needed my heart ripped out.
No more mooning.
No more extra fuzziness in there.
No more delusional hope because my heart hung on for too long.
I dont deny my faults, I panic, I float, i vomit my heart out, I grasp onto things I shouldn't.
I've needed someone too hold my hand, because I'm afraid.
It was all just too much at once.
and i broke.
And I sat and tried to keep myself together, failed miserably on some parts, but I'm alive and not dead ..to fight another day. So that's good.
I got caught up in the self loathing, sadness. i got caught up in the kind smiles and words, should've realized, no one is really what they seem or show. There is a monster in everyone.
My monster is insecurity. She's the crying screeching and flailing one. But I never try and hurt anyone. Not intentionally. Because i love everyone dearly. even when my back is covered in burns.
"I will miss you most of all scarecrow", but you wont know, because you cant read this..and this is the end of my word vomit era. And even though i got the title you gave me, and then it was taken away and stomped on...you keep yours. I hurt you, you hurt me.I may want to vomit and run when/if i see you again, but it's because I know under your mask, is the monster, who is a mask too, and under all of that..somewhere...is you. A Sir. And I have to always think of you that way. Tear off your filter and rage all you want. I'll flail and hold myself up through all this shitstorm. But I wont make a sound anymore.
no more mountains of words and venting
from now on, it gets holed up inside.
I apologize for being so needy and foolish through these few months.
Ive never walked through hell before.
So now , I go on, i wait.
Hopefully Ohio will be this summer.
Hopefully all goes well..
wish me luck.
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2009.01.22 19.18
I'm lonely at the moment.
Although the kitty is snuggling my feet.
I have never really been alone for ten years. Since having children I am not used to being alone in a quiet room. It just never happens. Time to myself is not often and is sacred during normal life.Going to the bathroom by myself is a feat in itself. So during all this..it freaks me out a little when I'm alone for an extended period of time.
I go watch movies for a distraction.
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2009.01.13 14.58
Dear Me,
Don't fucking lose it.
You'll live through all this.
You've lived through terrible complicated shit before.
Okay?
Don't make me tell you again.
Thanx.
Love,
Me
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2008.12.21 11.22
Tomorrow.
IS THE DAY.
I'm ready, scared as shit, but ready.
I had one day to buckle and snap, now that I got that out..I'm ready to kick some legal ass.
I dont know where this will take me, or how it will turn out. I hope I can stay here. I really want to. To be with all my beloved friends, have our kids grow up together like we planned. Give me a chance to do more for you guys since you have done so much for me. A small part of me wants to leave, to keep drama and crap away from all the people I care about. So everyone can live and be happy, and I wll be far, so my chaos doesnt mess with anyone and people dont have to deal with me and the crap that fallows.
But selfishly i want to stay.
sigh
lets do this
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2008.08.19 13.40
BJD love
I have a fear of dolls.
But these ones are amazing.
I want to make them..
maybe even buy one.
God bless you Japanese and your attention to detail.
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2008.08.11 14.51
sadness
I opened up Galaxy Quest to find the dvd is not in the case,
I looked..can't find it.
therefore i cannot watch it.
I'm sad now.
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2008.08.02 10.04
boobs
My boobs are real.
What is it lately with people asking??
You'll notice my frame has gained some meat too, this has been my goal, im trying hard to keep it on.
I want to look healthier instead of scrawny. My body fights me on it, stupid metabolism.
IM PROUD OF MY MEAT!!
wait..
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2008.06.26 18.05
Everyone is more attractive when they sport a nice black trench...(or Peacoat).
yum.
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2008.02.27 20.05
funny shet
Nick and Simon crack me up.
I had tears pouring down my cheeks.
love them.
I need to purchase "Spaced"
The boys and i do lots of mock gun battles to amuse ourselves.
fun
love you all
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2008.01.22 15.26
Portal.
Holy shit.
Got The Orange Box (for XBox) and played Portal.
Fucking love it!
Creepy and fun.
It makes my brain happy.
Play it.
They lie about the cake!
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2008.01.16 11.49
Since I have neglected ye olde Live Journal.
I will make up by filling it with my insanity, in hopes that my LJ people have not forgotten me and will find some sort of comfort and joy in my ramblings.
And I will start off with the mind numbing awesomeness which is my dreams..
(dont hold your excitment back)
I have returned.
DREAM LOG:
I am married to James Hatfeild. Not Nu School, but Old School James. Wearing all black and a full mane.Shirt of course is sleaveless and he just so happens to carry a black electric guitar around the house.I am baking him cookies, which is really me opening a closet, where a pale girl sits behind the counter of a tiny Mrs. Fields counter where she finds the cookies I've chosen for him and puts them on a plate for me (piping hot may i add). In no way do i wonder why this is in my closet, because naturally when you reside in a huge mansion..you have employees living in your closets, yes? I then go to the bathroom, because i want to get a towel to swim in the perfectly round pool (which is in our living room), a spider the size of a cat is crouching behind the toilet and I start screaming and trying to kill it. James being the dutiful husband smashes it with is guitar, but not after a huge battle..where it lunges at my face and i rip two of its legs off. In the dream i am totally convinced the spider is the soul of the crazy dead lady who lived in the mansion before us.
End dream.
Boring, yet slightly amusing when reflected on in the morning.
The End.
PS
I hope you enjoy the nonsense, bad spelling and typos.
I dont like to edit and im a sloppy typer, this by no means says anything about my intelligence, it has everything to do with me being incredibly lazy
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2008.01.10 10.24
rock you like a hurricane
I forgot my password to LJ.
Silly.
I burned my hand today making eggs.
Dumb.
We are off to the bookstore to but lots and lots of books.
Fun!
That was my amazing update.
I wow you with my magnetism and spiiffy tales of adventure,no?
Mood:  awake
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2007.07.14 10.16
takes a bow..
and then there was silence
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2007.07.07 17.20
It's July. I had forgotten.
A full circle i have gone. (yodaish?)
( ponderponder )
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2007.07.07 14.46
metabolism from hell
I need tips on a healthy way to gain weight.
I've tried, and was successful for a small time, i packed on 8 lbs and kept it for a few months! I did it the unhealthy way tho..lots of ice cream n twinkies before bed.Now that I'm busy with over hauling the house, work.. and stress..I've lost it all again.No amount of junk food seems to help..all it does is make my face look like the moons surface.
Los of red meat n fatty stuff? I just dont know..I eat that normally..
i must have a wooden leg no? My grandmA always insisted that that must be it..
I attempted to do that 42nd entry thing..but got distracted.I went back n read ALL my old journal entries...holy shit.I command you all to go back and read yours. ALL OF IT. Cringe, laugh, get mopey, laugh, wonder what the hell you were thinkin...like I did.
Funny stuff.
Mood:  amused
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2007.07.06 15.12
love you all
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2007.04.24 14.52
You are Strength
Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.
This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
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2007.04.23 14.30
Isis
Honorable, straightforward and idealistic. Active and self-confident.
Colors: male: white, female: blue
Compatible Signs: Osiris, Thoth
Dates: Mar 11 - Mar 31, Oct 18 - Oct 29, Dec 19 - Dec 31
Role: Goddess of motherhood, women, and magic; goddess of the South; protector of Imseti (the son of Horus who watched over the canopic jar containing the liver)
Appearance: Woman wearing the hieroglyph for "throne" on her head
What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign?
Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock's Quizzles and Quandaries
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2007.03.28 09.54
where to go.. what to do
I may get to get out this Thurs.
Not too sure what i should do, its been ages since Ive gotten out.
Busy with work
and stress.
yay!
My BE Warlock is now 32, im on Akama. Yo. Got my Lich robes but cant wear them for a few more levels.
I actually bought a Justin Timberlake cd. yes.odd, but i did it.
im fucking stressed
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2007.02.26 14.18
Our fish died.
Which is not oo tragic since ihated the bastard, he ate our baby snails..and the snail food..which made his stomach explode...serves you right yo little shit!
Sadly Darth Vader died too(our black snail) He was huge and dearly loved.He was found eating the dumb dead fish, perhaps he was tainted by this. Gary our other snail sill lives. Which brings me great joy, due to him being my favorite.
yes i love snails.
i have been busy
mucho busy
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2007.01.17 10.05
gamers rejoice!
We finally got a Wii..last week Bill walked into the store and casually asked if any were in, and BEHOLD..they had just received a shipment ten minutes prior.. and had ONE left.YAY! The boys are thrilled. They are fond of the Wii Sports and i now have Wii arm from pitching and boxing and such.We made many Mii's, ourselves, the family, various characters, the devil..hehe. Zelda is awesome fun! YAYAY!
Last night Bill waited in line at Wal Mart to get us the Burning Crusade Collectors Edition..(due to the canceling of any pre orders!) He was second in line and waited a few hours..but he got one of the 6 Collectore Editions they had! They were selling only one Collectors Edition per person so I get the regular..DAMNIT, but i told him if he couldnt get two i would be fine with the regular version. I had my old account turned off awhile ago and when i was going to reactivate it, they couldnt find it..WHAT!!?? So i still wait for word from them, the bastards..but maybe i should just start a new one so i can get to playing..
ack! so do i wait..and see if they CAN in fact get my old account up and running..or just start a new one...ACK!! i dont know.
Should i forsesake LittleDemon and just start up a Blood Elf Warlock? hmmmm
fun stuff
PS
I need to get out soon
i miss you hookers
yes
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